The Journey of an Unsuspecting Wanderer

Sometimes I feel like a wanderer. Not because I am lost, but because I am waiting on the Lord.

In the Bible, God allows His people to wander in the desert for 40 years before they are brought into the promise land. Does that mean the time in the desert is useless? Not at all. It’s the opposite. During this time the people learned to trust in God and rely on him for all their needs. They also learned there was consequences to complaining (fiery snakes taught them that). None the less, God felt it was crucial for most of the people to be cleansed of their old ways of thinking before they would fully be able to trust Him and conquer the promise land.

In my life right now, I am in a vulnerable state. I am a pregnant newly-wed that NFP did not work for and it threw all my plans to the waste-side (not to mention my previous teaching job). This baby has turned things up-side down and all I can do is trust God to provide.

God has provided and I have much to be grateful for. He’s provided my husband entrance into an accelerated 11 month nursing program he just started in January. He has provided me with a job until June, and he has given me the opportunity to study to become a counselor. I am grateful. Even so, the past haunts me and I wonder if this next degree is really an end to a means.

I’ve always dreamed of being a counselor and spending my days with others in a cute soothing office. The excitement of witnessing progress and partaking in the inner thoughts of others is something I look forward to. I know and understand in order to be a good counselor, I must finish processing my old wounds and fully enter into an understanding and awareness of my triggers or flaws. I am ready to do this. I was not before. Like the slaves in Egypt, I preferred the safety of sorrow to the hard cleansing process planned for the desert.

I cannot say what I’ll continue to learn in this Marriage and Family Therapy program, but I can say, I know I will learn a lot as a mom. A long time ago when I prayed for a ministry position, the Lord said my vocation as a wife and mother would be first. I am confident the Lord has much for me to learn and I don’t think of it as a desert period completely, but the beginnings will not be fancy for sure. I must trust in the Lord for all my needs and pray He provides through people and organization when necessary.

Pray for me and let me know any of your prayer needs.

Encouragement for Singles: My love story and what I learned

The one before I met the one
The one before I met the one was unlike “the one”
The one I married was loving and kind
The one I left behind had himself in mind.

The one I love and will be the father of my child
Is the one I picked because he held my dignity high.
He spoke to me freely and wanted to know
The deepest desires of my heart and had his own heart to show.

He was not afraid to help or put me behind his doubts
He continued unwaveringly because he desired me.
It wasn’t always easy and we had our trials,
But as I walked down the aisle, he had tears in his eyes.

Love is not easy, but waiting for the one and not settling for less is even harder. Sometimes we think we know what we want and will throw a childish tantrum as if we know what’s best, but God waits patiently for us until we let him bless.

This picture shows Jesus holding something better than what the girl currently has, but it is unseen. This shows that we must trust God even when we don’t know what he has in store.

It was almost two years ago when I realized the man I was dating would probably not commit. He was afraid of marriage and I thought it would change. I did my best to let go of him, but I thought it would be too hard to move on. I was in school pursing my masters and about to do comprehensive exams. The thought of adding a breakup to my plate was depressing, and so I took the little attention and basic friendship I could get.

We dated a year and at the end, he still didn’t want to commit. It was hard to let go of the plans I had made to stay in D.C. to be close to him. I had already renewed my lease and was stuck in a retail job that would not pay enough when my loans became due in a few months. Therefore, I had to move back in with my parents halfway across the country.

God prepared a way for me to move to Denver and find a replacement for my room in the house I was living in. It was extremely anointed, but even so, it was not easy going through yet another breakup. What it came down to in the end is I finally realized I deserved more. I didn’t have to feed from the scraps thrown from a table. I was the daughter of the King of kings and I deserved to be treated better than I was. I deserved a man who acknowledged my needs over his and respected my thoughts on what I had spent two years studying: marriage and family. I don’t regret meeting the one before the one because he taught me a lot, but more than all, his reserved heart taught me how to recognize real love when it came.

My husband met me two weeks after leaving the seminary and I met him one week after moving to Denver. It was love at first sight. The moment our eyes locked, I never wanted to part. I had prayed for my spouse regularly and one of my prayers was he would have the courage to pursue me when he met me. My prayer was answered. He’s usually pretty shy, but he was inspired and asked me out within 30 minuets of our conversation. This had taken place at Theology on Tap where a priest had given a talk on marriage and included tips on asking out the ladies. My husband humbly took his advice and found out what I liked to do so he could ask me to go sometime.

I thank God every day for my husband and the life growing in my womb. It’s been an adventurous ride, but having a longer wait makes me appreciate what I have even more. More than ever, I am grateful for answered prayers and God’s protection as I waited for the one.

Three things I’d like to offer from my experience include:

1. Value yourself. Fall in love with God first and let him show you who you are.

One thing I noticed is God didn’t reveal the truth about the man I was dating before meeting my husband until I was ready to value myself more. It was when I realized that I wasn’t who he said I was; I was who God says I am that things really fell though in the relationship. After I prayed for God to make it clear if I was supposed to stay in the relationship, the man I thought I loved broke up with me. God waited until was ready to see the truth and give him the old raggedy teddy bear before he gave me the new one.

2. Don’t settle.

Trust your gut. If something doesn’t seem right, don’t be afraid to let go. No man should make you feel like you need to change the fundamental traits of your personality to please him. For instance, if he doesn’t like that you’re a girly girl or goofy, then he’s not the one to fall in love with you. There is someone out there that will love the quirky you and will sing with you walking down a mountain laughing with joy if that’s what you like to do (true story). Likewise, if you’re serious or an introvert, and he does not respect your needs, don’t try to force yourself down his road or you’ll end up somewhere different than you want to be.

3. Save yourself for the special one.

It isn’t easy and you may think it’s too late, but it’s never too late to purify your heart so it’s available for the union God will bless in marriage.

I waited 14 years from the day I committed to purity as a teenager and it was worth the wait (29 years total). The way my husband loves me and cares for me is unique and I hate the fact that I had other experiences before meeting him even if it wasn’t sex itself. Those memories are distant and irrelevant now because Jesus heals and can redeem any pains and hurts when you ask him to. Cover them in His most precious blood. He loves you, no matter what.

4. Find supportive friends.

Know who your true friends are. They are the ones who listen, but will tell you the truth if you ask for it. I could feel my friends holding their breath when I told of my situation and frustration with my last boyfriend. They would encourage and pray for me no matter what I decided. Even so, it was them that helped me see the bright side when things ended.

5. Know when it’s right and don’t be afraid to embrace the cross.

When I did find the right man, my friends and family could sense a peace in me and my sister noted that during her speech at my wedding. It was different, and I will be different forever changed because “I have found the one who my soul loves” (Song of Songs 3:4). It is ultimately always Jesus. I love my husband because he loves Jesus and Jesus lives in Him. Even so, God created him for me and I for him. I do believe in soul mates because St. Raphael says in the Book of Tobit, “She was destined for you since the foundations of the Earth.” God always has a plan and he always knows where we’ll be, so trust Him. Make the leaps of faith and follow the path he calls you to. It just may be to your vocation: to the cross. I say the cross because it is both beautiful and full of self-emptying. Remember that Jesus said he deeply desired to share the last supper with His disciples. Never mistake lust with romance. Romance is passion and the passion of Christ led him to the cross.

Dark Night of the Soul is a way of Purgation

I was reading the Dark Night of the Soul the other day and I was inspired by St. John of the Cross’ image to represent the process of purgation through contemplation. He used the analogy that God is a painter and man as the subject of His study. If we get up and distract ourselves with other things, we stop the process of re-creation. God is not just Creator in past tense; He is Creator still. If we allow Him to have His way with us in this life, we surrender to the purgation process now and we will be a new creation in Christ. As St. Paul says, “He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Phil 1:6).  This image of the Painter gazing at His creation and continuing the masterpiece inspired my poem below.

I sit, unable to move in Your presence for Your face is my delight
My lover’s eyes are upon me as He studies mine.
How can I waiver from Your touch?
Your hand caresses my face and I fall into Your embrace.

As I rest my head upon Your chest, I feel your Grace running through my veins, starting at my heart.
Like a waterfall You pour Yourself into me and cleanse me; the healing imparts.
There is nothing I  can do, but admire You.
Like a lover, You meet me face to face and I will never be the same.

My Cocoon

I’ve been blessed to fall in love with God all over again. This time was like no other. My current call is to be still and know that He is God. I am caught in a place where only transformation is possible. I will be stuck in this phase until it is complete. I know God can change my heart; change me, and I believe that is what He has planned for me.

Inside my cocoon, I cannot move
I’m caught between the ground and a tree
Hanging upside down, I cannot see clearly
I am only looking at what’s here

The sunlight shining through the veil of your love
You have wrapped me so tight, I know you are near

Breathe Your breath into me
Love me.

As I exhale, you transform my life
As my body shrinks, I feel you reshaping me
As my wings are formed, I must be-
Still, silent, sorrowful… for it hurts.

Everything hurts, but feels so good.
I know your light is transforming me
Let the spectrum of color be born in my cocoon;
From the inside, until I get out.

Covenant love

Learning to love is not an easy task. It takes good examples, commitment and time. Good examples can be found in our parents, friends, or community.

This weekend, I witness covenant love at the City of the Lord Convocation. My heart was annihilated and destroyed… in a good way. I am not sure what is left… All I know is the heart beating in my chest is not the same.

Below is a poem describe what I saw in the faces of this community. It is similar to what I encounter often at Mass during the sign of peace.

In your face I see a smile; I see a peace.
I recognize you though I know you not.
You are a daughter, you are a son of the living God;
Your face shines brightly with His love.

Cheers to the Grace God has given and will continue to give.

Candy Hearts

I never liked the candy hearts made for Valentine’s Day. Sure, I like to be told sweet things, but I am not impressed with imprints on a piece of candy that does not taste good.

The older I get, the more I realize that true love is worth waiting for and anything that tries to imitate it, sucks. I don’t want a man to offer me a cold, hard, fake heart when the King of kings offers me his heart fully ruptured on the cross and shares in the Eucharist. I don’t want a man who feeds me lines, flirts with me, but doesn’t hold 2 cents to his word. I want the man who lives the Gospel and imitates Christ. It will take a strong man to carry out selfless sacrifice, but I know he will find me and love me like Christ loves the Church.

This Valentine’s Day, if you’re single (not married), consider offering up a Rosary for your vocation and/or your future spouse. Mary is there to intercede for us, lead and protect us. The power of the Rosary can purify your heart and spirit so you can receive the grace you need to have a beautiful day- with or without flowers and a sweetheart.

St. Valentine pray for us. Let romance live. Let candy hearts go back to where they came from.

Memories of the Heart

Simply lovely– Your Face in all its ways.
Simply beautiful– Your breathe seeking my lungs
So exquisite your kiss and lips on my head.
So loving, my God. What do you want from my heart?

I lay here in silence unable to move.
My mind is racing; my heart beats for You.
You prompt my soul to rewind and let go
Of all the past pains and hurts.

We traveled through my life last night and I wanted to scream,
But every time I experienced what I didn’t want, we claimed Victory.
The Victory of the cross replaced my past and you covered my memory in a white veil.

When I look back, I no longer see what was real.
I see Your peace, Your love, our joy.
You were with me there;
Your angels shielded me in my worst moments.

You are my salvation.
You casts my sins as far as the east is from the west.
Then you showed me the work you completed with my heart.
Purer light I’ve never seen that the swords of light you shot through my heart as you held it in Your hands.

So peaceful, so wonderful!
My Healer, You are in me.
Completing this work every moment.
All memories you deal with for me.

Praise God! He is ready and willing to re-create our hearts and instill in us peace.

My Mother: Our Lady of Grace

Our Mother draws us close

Mother Mary
You hold me close as I rest upon your shoulder,
Close to your  heart

I hear every beat proclaiming Christ’s love.
You are His Pure Vessel
You come to us as a gift, as a mother–
Someone to love in our deepest hearts.

Your Spouse awakens our desires
As you confirm them with your eyes
Show us the way, point us to Christ

How wonderful to study Your Body
Consecrated with His Blood.
From the start you held Grace in your womb
You continue to share it with us.

So Blessed are You, Our Mother
Queen of Heaven and Earth.
God’s crown of creation.

For all women, you demonstrate our true worth.

Spiritual Sisterhood Starts in the Heart

My sister and I during Christmas 2009

My sister and I are extremely close. So close that we often don’t need words; we only need laughter. We are not only sisters in blood; we are sisters in our hearts.

I have been contemplating the brokenness with my sisters in Christ compared to my relationship with my sister. Today I realized that I don’t offer the same standard of love to my sisters in Christ as I do with my “real” family.

Perhaps it is because no one compares to my sister, or maybe it is because I don’t offer the same compassion and mercy I give to my family; therefore, it has been difficult to connect with all my sisters in Christ up to this point in my life. I get restless in my relationships when I have been hurt or feel like I am being rejected.

Today I was reflecting on my relationship with my sister and I recalled the tears we shed together. I remember the apologies that followed and I remember the laughter that soon returned. When you’re in it for the long-haul, no simple anxiety, mistake or act of insensitivity can overcome the commitment to love.

This is the type of love and forgiveness we are called to offer our brothers and sisters in Christ, but too often I witness fear instead.

The Bride of Christ

When we prepare for Holy Communion, we prepare ourselves like a bride to her bridegroom.  This sacrament is the source and summit of our faith. It is the source of grace that provides strength so we can reach the summit of our faith- perfection in Christ.

The CCC, explains, “The mode of Christ’s presence under the Eucharistic species is unique. It raises the Eucharist above all the sacraments as “the perfection of the spiritual life and the end to which all the sacraments tend” (1374).

If this is our source of grace that allows us to be perfect like our heavenly father is perfect (Matt 5:48), it must happen through union with Christ because he is the only way to God (John 14:6).

If we want to go to heaven and be connected to God, not only in a Spiritual sense but participate in the self-giving love of the Trinity, we must be united to Christ. As the communion of saints, we make up the body of Christ and we are meant to be his bride one day.