Encouragement for Singles: My love story and what I learned

The one before I met the one
The one before I met the one was unlike “the one”
The one I married was loving and kind
The one I left behind had himself in mind.

The one I love and will be the father of my child
Is the one I picked because he held my dignity high.
He spoke to me freely and wanted to know
The deepest desires of my heart and had his own heart to show.

He was not afraid to help or put me behind his doubts
He continued unwaveringly because he desired me.
It wasn’t always easy and we had our trials,
But as I walked down the aisle, he had tears in his eyes.

Love is not easy, but waiting for the one and not settling for less is even harder. Sometimes we think we know what we want and will throw a childish tantrum as if we know what’s best, but God waits patiently for us until we let him bless.

This picture shows Jesus holding something better than what the girl currently has, but it is unseen. This shows that we must trust God even when we don’t know what he has in store.

It was almost two years ago when I realized the man I was dating would probably not commit. He was afraid of marriage and I thought it would change. I did my best to let go of him, but I thought it would be too hard to move on. I was in school pursing my masters and about to do comprehensive exams. The thought of adding a breakup to my plate was depressing, and so I took the little attention and basic friendship I could get.

We dated a year and at the end, he still didn’t want to commit. It was hard to let go of the plans I had made to stay in D.C. to be close to him. I had already renewed my lease and was stuck in a retail job that would not pay enough when my loans became due in a few months. Therefore, I had to move back in with my parents halfway across the country.

God prepared a way for me to move to Denver and find a replacement for my room in the house I was living in. It was extremely anointed, but even so, it was not easy going through yet another breakup. What it came down to in the end is I finally realized I deserved more. I didn’t have to feed from the scraps thrown from a table. I was the daughter of the King of kings and I deserved to be treated better than I was. I deserved a man who acknowledged my needs over his and respected my thoughts on what I had spent two years studying: marriage and family. I don’t regret meeting the one before the one because he taught me a lot, but more than all, his reserved heart taught me how to recognize real love when it came.

My husband met me two weeks after leaving the seminary and I met him one week after moving to Denver. It was love at first sight. The moment our eyes locked, I never wanted to part. I had prayed for my spouse regularly and one of my prayers was he would have the courage to pursue me when he met me. My prayer was answered. He’s usually pretty shy, but he was inspired and asked me out within 30 minuets of our conversation. This had taken place at Theology on Tap where a priest had given a talk on marriage and included tips on asking out the ladies. My husband humbly took his advice and found out what I liked to do so he could ask me to go sometime.

I thank God every day for my husband and the life growing in my womb. It’s been an adventurous ride, but having a longer wait makes me appreciate what I have even more. More than ever, I am grateful for answered prayers and God’s protection as I waited for the one.

Three things I’d like to offer from my experience include:

1. Value yourself. Fall in love with God first and let him show you who you are.

One thing I noticed is God didn’t reveal the truth about the man I was dating before meeting my husband until I was ready to value myself more. It was when I realized that I wasn’t who he said I was; I was who God says I am that things really fell though in the relationship. After I prayed for God to make it clear if I was supposed to stay in the relationship, the man I thought I loved broke up with me. God waited until was ready to see the truth and give him the old raggedy teddy bear before he gave me the new one.

2. Don’t settle.

Trust your gut. If something doesn’t seem right, don’t be afraid to let go. No man should make you feel like you need to change the fundamental traits of your personality to please him. For instance, if he doesn’t like that you’re a girly girl or goofy, then he’s not the one to fall in love with you. There is someone out there that will love the quirky you and will sing with you walking down a mountain laughing with joy if that’s what you like to do (true story). Likewise, if you’re serious or an introvert, and he does not respect your needs, don’t try to force yourself down his road or you’ll end up somewhere different than you want to be.

3. Save yourself for the special one.

It isn’t easy and you may think it’s too late, but it’s never too late to purify your heart so it’s available for the union God will bless in marriage.

I waited 14 years from the day I committed to purity as a teenager and it was worth the wait (29 years total). The way my husband loves me and cares for me is unique and I hate the fact that I had other experiences before meeting him even if it wasn’t sex itself. Those memories are distant and irrelevant now because Jesus heals and can redeem any pains and hurts when you ask him to. Cover them in His most precious blood. He loves you, no matter what.

4. Find supportive friends.

Know who your true friends are. They are the ones who listen, but will tell you the truth if you ask for it. I could feel my friends holding their breath when I told of my situation and frustration with my last boyfriend. They would encourage and pray for me no matter what I decided. Even so, it was them that helped me see the bright side when things ended.

5. Know when it’s right and don’t be afraid to embrace the cross.

When I did find the right man, my friends and family could sense a peace in me and my sister noted that during her speech at my wedding. It was different, and I will be different forever changed because “I have found the one who my soul loves” (Song of Songs 3:4). It is ultimately always Jesus. I love my husband because he loves Jesus and Jesus lives in Him. Even so, God created him for me and I for him. I do believe in soul mates because St. Raphael says in the Book of Tobit, “She was destined for you since the foundations of the Earth.” God always has a plan and he always knows where we’ll be, so trust Him. Make the leaps of faith and follow the path he calls you to. It just may be to your vocation: to the cross. I say the cross because it is both beautiful and full of self-emptying. Remember that Jesus said he deeply desired to share the last supper with His disciples. Never mistake lust with romance. Romance is passion and the passion of Christ led him to the cross.

My Dearest Friend

My dearest friend is not far away
My dearest friend has come to stay
He’s found a room in my heart
And He never stops beating to the rhythm of His own drum

His drum beats and encourages me
I find Him there when I am weak
Pounding away with all His strength,
It is Him who teaches me to do the same.

It is His heart beat strong inside of me
It is His mother who leads and guides me
It is His faith that won what the lack of mine took away
It is His face that makes me change.

He is my Jesus and He lives inside of me
What can I do without the One Bridegroom?
It’s not that He was made for me,
But I was created for Him.

I am the Bride, and in me, He sees His own light
Because He became man and took on flesh,
He was able to offer Himself to me
So we are one, from now until eternity.

Dark Night of the Soul is a way of Purgation

I was reading the Dark Night of the Soul the other day and I was inspired by St. John of the Cross’ image to represent the process of purgation through contemplation. He used the analogy that God is a painter and man as the subject of His study. If we get up and distract ourselves with other things, we stop the process of re-creation. God is not just Creator in past tense; He is Creator still. If we allow Him to have His way with us in this life, we surrender to the purgation process now and we will be a new creation in Christ. As St. Paul says, “He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Phil 1:6).  This image of the Painter gazing at His creation and continuing the masterpiece inspired my poem below.

I sit, unable to move in Your presence for Your face is my delight
My lover’s eyes are upon me as He studies mine.
How can I waiver from Your touch?
Your hand caresses my face and I fall into Your embrace.

As I rest my head upon Your chest, I feel your Grace running through my veins, starting at my heart.
Like a waterfall You pour Yourself into me and cleanse me; the healing imparts.
There is nothing I  can do, but admire You.
Like a lover, You meet me face to face and I will never be the same.

Covenant love

Learning to love is not an easy task. It takes good examples, commitment and time. Good examples can be found in our parents, friends, or community.

This weekend, I witness covenant love at the City of the Lord Convocation. My heart was annihilated and destroyed… in a good way. I am not sure what is left… All I know is the heart beating in my chest is not the same.

Below is a poem describe what I saw in the faces of this community. It is similar to what I encounter often at Mass during the sign of peace.

In your face I see a smile; I see a peace.
I recognize you though I know you not.
You are a daughter, you are a son of the living God;
Your face shines brightly with His love.

Cheers to the Grace God has given and will continue to give.

Memories of the Heart

Simply lovely– Your Face in all its ways.
Simply beautiful– Your breathe seeking my lungs
So exquisite your kiss and lips on my head.
So loving, my God. What do you want from my heart?

I lay here in silence unable to move.
My mind is racing; my heart beats for You.
You prompt my soul to rewind and let go
Of all the past pains and hurts.

We traveled through my life last night and I wanted to scream,
But every time I experienced what I didn’t want, we claimed Victory.
The Victory of the cross replaced my past and you covered my memory in a white veil.

When I look back, I no longer see what was real.
I see Your peace, Your love, our joy.
You were with me there;
Your angels shielded me in my worst moments.

You are my salvation.
You casts my sins as far as the east is from the west.
Then you showed me the work you completed with my heart.
Purer light I’ve never seen that the swords of light you shot through my heart as you held it in Your hands.

So peaceful, so wonderful!
My Healer, You are in me.
Completing this work every moment.
All memories you deal with for me.

Praise God! He is ready and willing to re-create our hearts and instill in us peace.

My Mother: Our Lady of Grace

Our Mother draws us close

Mother Mary
You hold me close as I rest upon your shoulder,
Close to your  heart

I hear every beat proclaiming Christ’s love.
You are His Pure Vessel
You come to us as a gift, as a mother–
Someone to love in our deepest hearts.

Your Spouse awakens our desires
As you confirm them with your eyes
Show us the way, point us to Christ

How wonderful to study Your Body
Consecrated with His Blood.
From the start you held Grace in your womb
You continue to share it with us.

So Blessed are You, Our Mother
Queen of Heaven and Earth.
God’s crown of creation.

For all women, you demonstrate our true worth.

Spiritual Sisterhood Starts in the Heart

My sister and I during Christmas 2009

My sister and I are extremely close. So close that we often don’t need words; we only need laughter. We are not only sisters in blood; we are sisters in our hearts.

I have been contemplating the brokenness with my sisters in Christ compared to my relationship with my sister. Today I realized that I don’t offer the same standard of love to my sisters in Christ as I do with my “real” family.

Perhaps it is because no one compares to my sister, or maybe it is because I don’t offer the same compassion and mercy I give to my family; therefore, it has been difficult to connect with all my sisters in Christ up to this point in my life. I get restless in my relationships when I have been hurt or feel like I am being rejected.

Today I was reflecting on my relationship with my sister and I recalled the tears we shed together. I remember the apologies that followed and I remember the laughter that soon returned. When you’re in it for the long-haul, no simple anxiety, mistake or act of insensitivity can overcome the commitment to love.

This is the type of love and forgiveness we are called to offer our brothers and sisters in Christ, but too often I witness fear instead.

Even with scars, children love

I want to drown myself in Your Word, kiss my lips to your heart;
Drown in your mercy and love.

I want to run to Your arms, not thinking about the future;
Just live in the here and now.

I want to run away, distract myself…
But I know it’s not right.

So hold me when I’m moving, love me when I’m restless
So I can learn to rest in You.

I’ve noticed a pattern in myself. When I feel overwhelmed, instead of letting it pass, I run.

I don’t like physical runs, but I love emotional distractions.

When I left Vegas, I was running towards something good, but I was also running FROM unfinished emotions. Though I’ve made my peace with my past, I need practice embracing my emotions no matter the pain.

Pain is something that will keep coming to you until you learn to embrace it and dwell with it until it passes. When you push down emotions, they don’t go away, they just resurface. The less you distract yourself and the more you learn to embrace God through suffering, the stronger your trust will be.

Trust is the first to be violated when we are let down. It is our past hurts that hold us back. That is why the pure, new life of a child is a strong embrace of the Kingdom of heaven. When they have no scars on their heart, children openly find the joy in all circumstances… sometimes even with scars.

But Jesus said, “Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these” (Matt 19:14).

Open doors: Let the Spirit lead.

If God opens the door, how can I not walk through?

I’ve always had a hard time making decisions. Currently my life is full of opportunities and blessings. I am wondering which will stick. Instead of sitting passively by, waiting for some to fall through, maybe I should aggressively pursue a few.

Tomorrow is a beautiful day full of questions that need answers. I have come to realize if answers ring clear in your heart giving clarity on thoughts and concerns, it is the only reason you need to dive in head first.

I’m waiting for the bells.

Waiting for the bells
Waiting for the truth
Waiting for the door to open so I can walk through.

Waiting on direction
Waiting on a sign
Waiting for the Lord to lead so I don’t have to decide.

I am waiting on my path
Waiting to see clearly
But sometimes what feels right is all we need.

Waiting on clarity,
Waiting for strength
Certainty won’t come, but the Comforter makes no mistake.

The Night is Darkest before the Dawn

The night is darkest before the dawn. This is a comforting saying I’ve been told during hard times in my life. It never gets old.

Scientifically it is not true; spiritually it is. When we go through hard times in our life, we feel stuck in darkness like it is never going to end. That is when it is the darkest in our souls; when we hit rock bottom.

The readings have focused on Good Shepherd and the Holy Spirit the last few weeks. A few weeks ago, I heard a homily about Christ never leaving our side.  Though I knew this, it was comforting to hear it again. Sometimes we need to be reminded of Christ’s availability as a Good Shepherd in our lives.